Cirque du Gouge my eyes out with a dull spoon

As the first number in the dance recital came to a close, I immediately whipped out a receipt and my trusty retractable Sharpie to begin taking notes...I could already tell I had some good material heading my way. And in the words of my mom, "You can't make up shit this good." Buckle in; it's going to be a long one.

Now before I fill you in on all the ridiculousness, I must first give you my qualifications for being such a harsh critic. Dancing was pretty much my life for about 20 years. During that time, I took ballet, tap, and jazz, and was usually (actually always), front and center. The stage was mine, and I loved it! For four years in high school, I was my dance teacher's assistant and pretty much ran those classes. Also, for two years in college, I was a full-fledged dance teacher with classes all my own. Oh yeah - and I have eyes. That last one is pretty much the only qualification needed to realize this show - the choreography, music choice, and all-around circus concept - was crap...absolute...utter crap.

The show started with the ballet (and I use that term very loosely) portion of the evening. Every single song was one of those French pieces used by Cirque du Soleil and the like. Those guys can get away with that annoying, uninspiring music because they are simply amazing at what they do. Not so with little girls who don't know their right from their left. That same monotonous cringing noise with pseudo-ballet went on for about 35-40 minutes. One of my dance studio pet peeves jumped out during this time. Would you try to teach differential equations to a 4-year-old? Hell, no. So, why in God's name do these small-town dance teachers think it's appropriate to teach 5-year-olds pirouettes and leaps? They can't and shouldn't do them yet, so don't put them in the damn dance! (Same goes for older girls. If they can't do the move, don't use it!)

We now enter the jazz set. I can pretty much sum this up with a verbatim quote from my receipt notes: "more freaking poms." Seriously. Poms have no place at a dance recital. Save them for the football field, people! But, I kid you not, over half the jazz numbers used poms. The song "A Little Less Conversation" has now been ruined for me for eternity. Then comes the performance to "Circus" by good ol' Britney. I'm thinking, "Okay, this one's got to have some energy....it's Britney freaking Spears after all!" Nope. Boring. I guarantee you, I could have gotten on stage in my 4-inch wedges and free-styled some better moves than what she had done. 

In between every single dance number, the "ringmaster" for the evening came out in a top hat and tails to introduce the next "act" of the show. He's a high school senior who I actually adore, and he was - hands down - the only truly entertaining part of the night (my weird enjoyment from watching the massacre of the art of dance doesn't count as real entertainment). At some point, there's also a "performance" by some high school students doing random crap like riding a tricycle, bouncing on a pogo stick, hula hooping, and blowing bubbles while roller-skating around the stage. I know - I couldn't have made it up if I tried.

Back to the "dancing." This one poor group of girls did a pom dance to "Get Ur Freak On" by Missy Elliott. I bet Missy would DIE knowing they used poms for one of her hard-hitting tunes. That then transitioned into "Super Freak." Remember the awkward stripper-style number done by Olive at the end of Little Miss Sunshine? It was awesome compared to the choreography these poor girls had. I promise you - I'm not exaggerating. (I love that scene though!)

Then comes the number one of my students is in. I'm still trying to think of what to say to her come Monday morning. But anyways, it's to "Whip It" and they use those ribbon sticks. You know, like what they use for rhythmic gymnastics in the Olympics except instead of ribbons, it's plastic pom-like strips instead of actual ribbon. Needless to say, they're flying all over the place, not to the music, getting tangled together, etc. Just a train wreck that should never have made it past the "now what about this?" phase. One group performs to "Route 66" and at the beginning and end of the number, a weird person dressed as a cat drives a toy car across the stage. Don't ask me - I have no idea.

Then there's the "How Much Is That Doggy" number...the quintessential little girl's dance number seen in every dance recital across the nation. The girls were, of course, cute because they're the 3-4-year-old class, and they're wearing these pink poodle costumes made entirely of tulle. Literally. You don't see any leotard...the whole bodice is tulle. But the weird, weird, weird part is this grown man dressed as a dog juggling at the back of the stage the entire time. Again, I have no idea what was going through this lady's mind when she came up with this stuff. Even if it sounded good in her head, how did she not realize how ridiculous it was during rehearsal? Why didn't someone speak up??

Now, I already told you I was an assistant and dance teacher for a total of 6 years. I stood on the downstage right corner behind the curtain (out of sight) and dorkily danced the numbers in exaggerated fashion to help the little girls who forgot the next move, etc. But, oh no, not this lady! She shouted the moves the entire time. I was on the very back row of the auditorium and heard "shuffle ball change," "arms up," "move to your circle," etc. throughout the entire dance.

The biggest travesty of all came at the end, thankfully. If it had come at the beginning, I may not have lasted. I feel it best to just, once again, quote my receipt notes: "Ring of Fire, tap, red cowboy hats, fake red boots, red sequined vests. Johnny Cash would die if he weren't already dead." That pretty much sums it up.

Those are just the highlights, and I probably didn't even do the show justice. It is disgusting, sad, and somewhat criminal that all those parents truly believe their money has given their daughters a dance education. I have, however, semi-calculated what that woman makes per month. Ladies and gentleman...I am opening a dance studio!